Half Way Out

          It's was after midnight one night when I awoke in a cold cold bed. I reached over for the one that I lay with, But to no avail no flesh was touched. My hands gripped the sheets as my eyes opened, gazing at the ceiling. As thoughts began to race through my head I say along the edge of the bed. "Could it be?" I dared not to answer myself. I got dressed and proceeded to my car. As I grabbed my door handle my eyes looked upwards on my neighbors light. I was intrigue to say the least, just a little curious. It draws you like a moth to a flame. It called to me as if it had assumed control of my body. I walked toward the light without any reason. It led me to the front door which was ajared. I advanced into the hallway and walked to this little white door. As I turned the door knob my heart started pounding. For no reason I began breathing hard as the door started opening letting the light in. The light shined on an O too familiar face sleep in the arms of another too familiar face. My girl was in the arms of my neighbor.

          I've played on both sides of the fence in different times of my life. In this case I played both because if I played the victim I would be wrong. Condoning the cheating would be wrong but I would be a hypocrite if I spoke on it. In many instances I allowed it to happen and I can honestly say if I didn't deserved what happened I could say her actions were justified. That's why after seeing that I closed the door, packed my stuff and left. I bowed out peacefully. There was no reason to fight. I didn't fight to do what was right in the relationship, why fight when I see the wrong. Life delivers a funny way of showing you that this world is much bigger than you are. That day was the changing of the guard.

          I shared that story with you to get you to hopefully understand the point I'm about to make a little easier. You cannot serve two masters, cannot play both sides of the fence, and if your attention is elsewhere you are truly lacking somewhere. One door has to be closed before opening another one. This is not limited to getting into relationships. Some feel that they don't want to be in a relationship anymore should seek the same advice. You can not be single and in a relationship at the same time. There is a right and wrong to break ups but that is a blog for another day. In this story the door I left open, with me not occupying it left room for someone else to walk right in it. Hopefully someone more deserving. Nevertheless when I closed that door the room was already being occupied.

          The grass is sometimes greener on the other side. Sometimes leaving is the best option. Opting out isn't the easy out, sometimes it's the hardest one to make. The grass can also be just as green on your side of the fence. You just have to put the time and preventive maintenance to keep your lawn thriving. It's all about where your attention is. Your attention will determine where your effort is. If your effort is on both sides... eventually both lawns will die. Focus is key and details are everything. Like my mom use to love to tell me. "You didn't grow up in a barn, close the door behind you."

Time Is Just Out Of Your Grasp.

Swing low sweet chariot and carry me home

This was it. Life as I know it has come to an end. What about my kids is what I thought. I gradually sunk towards the bottom as I took the last breath I would take on this side. This is the final stage. My pure tears mixed with muddy water from the lake as my wife and daughter watched helplessly. Curtains closed, end of the scene.

As beautiful as that may sound that is a very true statement. A few months ago I almost surrendered my life to Barnwell's very own Lake Brown. Life is fragile and we "Thank God for this day" as a formality, but on that Sunday I awoke and shed tears to that very assertion. The feeling of the earth under my feet was an orgasmic feeling. I always took life for granted, always planned for tomorrow. What if tomorrow never comes?

Life isn't for the taking

Funny because I'm in this lifetime commitment called marriage but life haven't committed time to me. In what I would consider strongly by today's standard material wise the best year of my life. My goal for this year was to provide for my family, period. Any needs would be met and provide for every desire. More things, more trips, more is better right. Wrong. More material meant more time which in return meant less of me. My intentions was always to relax but when? What if I didn't make it out of the lake? There would be plenty of material but no me.

No time like the present, after all.

I have a son and a daughter before my marriage they weigh heavy on my mind. My daughter I've seen 3 times in 7 seven years and my son, well his situation is different. My daughter is the typical "I'm hoping to get her for the summer" senario and my son is more attached to his mother due to my absence earlier on due to some disagreement and misbehavior. I'll never proclaim myself as the "Worlds Greatest Father" I'm a military spouse I wouldn't have time to. My time consist of being a full time father on time of deployments. I would say I would rather be a better father. I thought in time I would learn how or if it's possible. Time isn't always on our side is it?

But the time we do have is precious, the air your are breathing right now is sacred. Somebody somewhere just took there last breath. They will never see their love ones again. Tomorrow is not an option for them. There is no do over, no time for ask for or accepting of forgiveness. No more hearing or saying I love you. I almost had this feeling. I think about this every moment. I cherish everything I lay my eyes on. I don't appreciate my wife's smile, I embrace her presence. That was almost no more. Time isn't coming, it's winding down. Life is sweet, taste every drop. I no longer cherish time, I value moments. Moments are all I have until the next moment. That moment when my daughter is here with me forever, that moment when my son wants to leave with me more often, the moment when my tears dry from my face from those moments. Use your time wisely.

Well Done.

"Greater is he that is in me, than he that is in the world"

My mistakes have not made me better yet they mold me into a magnate. Humbly reflecting in my life brings wisdom and understanding. In a world where we'd rather hear "o well" I seek to hear "well done." Not from the mouth of men, but from the Almighty. In a time where the Lord's name is called more in vain than in church, where black on black allegiance and hatred can be spoken in the same breath. Where the world can cheer for Gabby but can't come together for cancer. Where teenagers are looking for love and love turn into children then children turn into parents. This is a time when you can march for Trayvon Martin and gossip about the killings in our own backyard. "Times have changed.

What's your purpose?

What's your legacy? How would you want to be remembered? Are you content? Let me ask this "what would your eulogy really say?" This is a honest question. One morning someone will be talking over you and life as you known it will be over. Will the memory of you be buried along with your body? On the other side will you hear "well done?" Does it even matter? Y.O.L.O. right? At the end of the day it's the money right? The cars and the clothes? You've got to have fun right? I've watched so many people play God like it's Holloween. Not just with just the violence, but the mindset. People post social media writing statuses looking for praise, asking for followers. They claiming to be a king/queen wanting to be worshiped. That's the life that we live in. We accept it and live with it.

Life

Now most people's impulses are to turn to alcohol, drugs, sex, and clubs to cope. Accepting and challenging your problems have become too much. Lives are being taken and drastically altered for the simplest of altercations. Most of us are more concerned with the public eye than in house stability. Bills are being pushed back as Jordans are pushed out. More concerns are being made on kids clothing than on the nourishment of their bodies. The village is gone, big mamma is 36 and technology has created a lazy lifestyle. Gotta love it. We are in a culture where mothers will buy their daughter's dresses that's shorter than they time spend with them. Our future is bleak and it's hard to imagine from its already dim existence.

"O Well" "Well Done"

Our lives has been impactfully at an impasse where we will vote for a leader just because he is black and kill a man for wearing red. Yes our bodies are far from slaves but our minds are still trapped. There's no question to how we got here, the new question is where are we headed. It's not a new direction but a new course of action. The only way to turn "O well" into "well done" is to show actual concern. Not for the gossip but for the tribulation of a person. At any given moment you could be in a position to impact someone, when you do will it be "O well"or will you hear "well done"...

See No... Speak No.

To whom this may concern

This blog will actually contain a lot of personal truth. How I feel, things i've encountered. What lead me to becoming the person, friend, and father I am now. This blog was actually inspired in church Sunday. I left my son with my wife while I went in the back to change my daughter. He yelled across the church "daddy" and came running down the aisle. Two days later while I was at work, my wife called saying my daughter didn't feel well and was calling for me. Small instances like this weighs on a fathers mind heavily.

Past Presently

I have not one memory of calling my father and him being around to answer. I've seen him four times in my life but I would never call him a dead beat because to this day I can always call him for advice. I had 2 kids before my marriage which makes 3 total. I have three totally different relationships stemming from the the different circumstances that's involved. I love my kids equally even though the time with each shows differently. Just as my youngest two were able to call on me, my oldest is not in a situation to do so. This is about to explain to you not what every father feels but where they can relate.

Missed Intentions.

February 7, 2006 three days before my birthday I received a called from I-95 letting me know that my daughter was being moved to New York. I remembered it like it was yesterday. Many nights it was just me and my tears. Then that was my only child, my baby, my heart. Just imagine your worst cased scenario and multiply by ten. That's how I felt. The next thing I saw from my daughter was of course child support papers. I can honesty admit I missed everything with my oldest. No first words, no first day of school and etc. That left a burning motivation in me that can never be ousted.

Deja Vu

October of 2010 there was a knock at the door at which was then my girlfriend house. It was the police serving me another notice of another child support date. This time it was for my son. Mother of this child filed court papers, changed her number, and like my daughter I was unable to see my child. Two weeks after I had gotten married I was in court. I wouldn't say these was spiteful acts but at the same time took away opportune bonding time. Not one day goes by where my kids are not amongst my thought process, but from the outside in it wouldn't seen that way.

Today

Little less than 9 months ago my wife and I was blessed with a little girl. To most she seem to be my favorite but she's the most consistent. She's there, available as I would want my other two. Being a father is impossible without the opportunity to do so. Time is precious, money can be replaced. I remember what I missed so much with my other two so I embrace so much with my youngest. I hold her tight because I know how easily it can be taken away from me. I just have to remember time was the thing that was taken, the label "Father" is still there. Just make the best of the opportunities given.

Acknowledging Bartimaeus

And Jesus said unto him, Receive thy sight: thy faith hath saved thee.
Luke 18:42 KJV

This is truly one of my favorite verses stemming from one of the my favorite stories in the Bible. Reading this last night I was genuinely inspired, I was moved physically and spiritually. I found a new prospective, truly another point of direction. Life is broken down into 3 phases, chance, choices and faith. I really want to break this down for you and show you what I saw in this verse. Bare with me as I take you into my vision. This will be truly the sight unseen.

Everyone knows the story of how Jesus gave sight to (Bartimaeus) the blind man. The most logical interpretation to gather is that when you turn unto the Lord he will give you sight. Which in my humble opinion is true. We are all blind, in darkness until we turn to Christ in which we are given life and is restored. In John 8:12 Jesus himself says I am the light of the world. Nobody looks at the forthcoming of Bartimaeus. In that short period of time he showed you his humbleness, persistence, and his faith. Last night I took the prospective of the blind man.

In the story (Luke 18:35-43) Bartimaeus hollered Jesus name and was rebuked by some of the followers. He was told to hold his peace. So he hollered louder for Christ and was recognized... That spoke so much to me. This blind man in the presence on Jesus, defied what is accustom. He didn't watch his blessing pass by, he spoke up. To me, this is how society is. What is not ordinary is disapproved of which makes people afraid to step out on a limb. So many of us will watch our blessing walk by right in front of us because we are afraid to do what is not normal. Even if we tried once and is rejected we will shut it down completely. Are you traveling against the grain or are you only willing to smooth sail?

I said that to say this, people will not always understand your effort. Some will not understand what is your cause, your passion, or your willingness to do what you're doing. Like Bartimaeus, you don't know what i'm hollering for. You're not trying receive what i'm trying to receive. You have to suffered what i've suffered, cry for what i've cried for, and fall where I've failed to understand what i'm trying to accomplish. Trying receive sight, a range of vision, trying to receive a blessing. On that day he receive brand new eyes because of his persistence. It was his perseverance and his humbleness that helped him receive what he sought after. Knowing what he wants and going after it. Are you willing?

Antagonism

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” ― Martin Luther King Jr

This is a very powerful statement. To me haters fall into one of two categories. Either they love to hate or hate to love. I would be lying if I said I wasn't naive to the thought of hatred. I felt like hate, hatred and especially the term hater was greatly embellish. Some more than others will use those terms to basically empower themselves, a motivational tool if you will. Some will use it to give themselves relevance or a sense of purpose. I (in my opinion) felt like people use the word hate just to justify an action they couldn't understand.

I've still haven't brought into it whole heartedly, but my eyes are slowly but surely being open. It's not the hate but the misunderstanding. Appreciation and gratitude has really been undermine by misguided thoughts and emotions. I've seen this first hand as many of you. When someone announces their new christianity people look for the backsliding. In a world where your short coming will always outweigh ANY good you've done. Don't believe me?

What's the first thing to your mind when you hear the names Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston? People have gotten a fear of putting anything positive out there from the fear of carrying it. Jesus carried his cross and was stone before he was crucified. These days that's how carrying the truth is. Being positive is actually a burden, almost is as delicate as walking on egg shells. At any moment notice all your hard work could come to an end. The sad thing about it, if I came crashing down today and wrote about it that would probably be my best blog.

Do you want motivation or do you want deceit? Long jeopardy or short comings? Additions or adultery? You want missions or missing? Kings or traitors? Inspiration or Assassination? Facts or fiction? The answer to those questions will truly determined do you want love or hate. Identify the source of the hate and find out how to love. I've always said hate (ing) was a personal problem. It's a personal decision. Now can you get over your personal pride not to?

Afraid are you?

Time and memories

I remember as a kid I got up one Sunday morning, put on my Sundays best and proceeded to walk to church. Church was maybe a two miles walk plus the heat and penny loafers wasn't making it a pleasant trip. I was determined to make it to St. Stephen Baptist Church on that faithful day. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was within 500 feet of the church. I could hear the singing and praising on the outside. Then got this o so familiar feeling over my entire body. Fear.

Settling Fear

Fear is a very common feeling that we all encounter. Few will ever admit, but I will today. That day I was afraid. Not of what you may think. Every man supposed to have the fear of God in them, but on that day I was afraid of men. I was afraid of words, I was afraid eyes, I was afraid of thoughts. Even in the house of the Lord I was afraid of the people. Fear had actually settled in me and caused a negative reaction. That day I didn't go to church.

Effects of Fear

I tell that story to acknowledge the power of fear. Fear can actually control your actions, your thoughts, and fear can actually control YOU. Put this in prospective... Two mile walk through extensive heat along my journey I ALLOWED fear to deprive me of my benefits. We will do this sometimes, then we will mask it with the word content. We will become content on our jobs, content in our relationships, plus content in our lifestyle because the fear of the unknown lays the risk too much to the reward.

If its not broke don't fix it

We've all heard this before. This is has to be the most contentious statement i've ever heard. This is the fear of positive because of the possibility of a negative result. This is a fearful mind frame that will actually cause you to put a glass ceiling in your own life. You will actually place things you are able to accomplish just beyond reach due to the fact you are afraid of your own success. Dreams remain dreams, thoughts never hit paper and actions are never taken.

Conquering Fear

The bar has been lowered. Today's American dream is to have a good job and make decent money. Which I don't agree with. My dream is for everyone to do what they love, what they're passionate about. Cast fear to the side and what others maybe perceive and dream BIG. Fear is self inflicted and is easily conquered when faced. Can you hear the members from the outside? Are you willing to walk on in.