Create Your Own Tomorrow.

Hello world. It's me again. I know you're expecting the long winded gasp for air with just the hint of creativity in between my prospective and point of view. You may actually see some, but not as much as usual. This is just heavy on my heart heavy and I decided to pull out the old trusty dusty pen and pad to let it out. First of all let me apologize for taking so long to write. Life happens and you will learn about a lot of it in this blog alone. First let me get the elephant out of the room. In 2015 I lost my dad and marriage within a days time. One I should've lost a lot sooner than the other. Honestly probably shouldn't have never happened. Not to bash or anything along those line because totally not the case. It probably was.. Well actually it was me. I should matter fact I am apologizing for that. I was in no state mind to be getting married never should've took that step and it doesn't justify those actions. I guess it is a long winded gasp for air, but I promise you I'm going to tie this all together. Trust me I've paid/paying for those actions and not complaining one bit. From the moment I said I was getting married I knew I've made a mistake. I always waited on tomorrow to save me. Funny how that sounds huh. I'm going to explain.

You've notice in that first collaberation of a R. Kelly song and Keith Sweat mix I've just created I said varies versions of "I". That's me taking responsibility for MY actions. It's called ownership. She isn't a bad person by any stretch of the imagination it was just we wasn't capabale. A phillip head bolt is great, but not so much if you only have a flat head screw driver. Like oil for water as some may say. This is just what it would look like when you actually look at the situation than the actual person. Kind of viewed the relationship as more of a job oppotunity than an actual loving relationship. Looked more at what could potential to be true to what is true and in your face. What was true was this was a show. Julius Ceasar at it's finest. For viewing eyes to see. Halloween smiles under crying eyes. It's no other way to put it. No creative flower to unfold for this one. I wish I could pant a nice portait for you. From the ashes I've created there is no phoenix. I basically created my own hell on Earth. I won't elaborate because there is no need to. I've also noticed how I've keep saying "but". That's the perfect word to describe that situation because that's the first response I wanted to use when anyone complimented me on my marriage. Pride wouldn't allowed to let the word to roll off my tongue.

Tomorrow will not always come. There was only two reason I was hoping for tomorrow. This is honestly how I felt. For me to get the courage to leave or for God to take me away. During the span of my marriage I've went through three horrific accidents. First I almost drown off my boat, secondly I hit a deer on my motorcycle, and thirdly I ran my car off the road in the woods. Even after that I didn't feel like I lost my life until lost my father. My very last words to him was "Dad. Me and my wife are separating. I'm trying to find a place to put my stuff. Can I call you back?" Tomorrow never came. I just remember coming straight home and going straight hoping tomorrow would an end to this. When tomorrow never came for my father it gave me enough strength to want a better tomorrow for myself. So I made sure my last words to him wasn't a lie. I left. Cliche to say tomorrow isn't promise. It's not. It will not guarantee change. Sometimes you have create your own tomorrow today. My life has been driven by fear. Fear of failfure, fear of disappointing others, and fear of letting others down. That same fear had created a cacoon in which I've lived in. Trying to protect a picture that actually really needed to get exposed. No need to cry over spilled milk right. Depends on what walk of life you are viewing the milk. Somebody somewhere would love some spilled milk. By now all you read was blah blah blah yada yada yada where's the point and how do I get to it right? Here's my point.

Life is bigger than the decisions that you make. They effect more than you. It's not the butterfly affect or Newton's law of gravity. You can't just throw away the Rubik's cube away once you can't figure it out. No reset button no matter how bad you may want one. Teacher's spend great money to educate, but yet life failure's will always remain the greatest teacher. Boy have I've learned mine. Tomorrow my father we will never share another. Tomorrow my ex we shall never share another. Today is the day have to make decisions for tomorrow. Tomorrow will not take care of itself and I have to take of myself. Miracles happen everyday, not to the same person. You can not just dig yourself a hole and wait for a hero. The South is a long way from Gotham City. Mistakes are made. That's a fact. Some can't prevented. You can however prevent how long they linger. I've had three different situations in which I shouldn't have seen tomorrow. Shouldn't be sharing it with no one. Since I'm able to see today I''m better prepared for tomorrow. I think. We'll see. I appreciate you taking the time out to read my scattered thoughts. Hopefully I've.. well i don't know what I've done other than get this off my chest. I hope it was a good read though. God bless...